The Wrath of My Muses
by Panamint
Summary: Unhappy with the way they are being treated, my Muses decide to do something about it. And you thought KHAN was scary...! XD
1. Meeting

**_The Wrath of My Muses_**

**DISCLAIMER: I own the Secret Super Spies and their Secret Super Sniffin' Spy Dog, Agent 006. And the tribble. And The Almighty Panamint, who happens to be a fictional character based on the fan-fiction author of the same name. And if you'd like to see a description of the Secret Super Spies so you can visualize them, then go to my bio-it'll tell ya where to go, since I can't put any links in my fics anymore, okay? Good!**

**P.S. My Muses consist of the six Secret Super Spies (that's Alexis, Robin, Dani, Bianca, Heather and Agent 006); Adam, Hoss and Little Joe Cartwright; Robin (called Dick in this story, to avoid confusion) and Catwoman; and—naturally—Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov. Those are my Muses, and now, let's take a little sneak peek into the first MPA meeting. Hee. XD**

* * *

Spock paced silently in Sickbay, followed closely by Catwoman. The former was considering their present—and very precarious—situation. The latter was thinking up a new scheme to kill Dick and convince Batman to marry her. And Dick, who knew what she was up to and didn't like it at all, had shrunk back into his pillow as far as he could without looking like a coward. And without re-dislocating his shoulder. 

Chekov, however, wasn't even bothering to hide his growing uneasiness. There was something about that woman that made him nervous. He didn't quite know what it was. Maybe it was the cat o' nine tails slung over her shoulder. Maybe it was the skin-tight body suit and the dark mask. But, whatever it was, he decided to take the hint from Dick and avoid her as much as possible.

However, if there was one person in Sickbay who wasn't afraid of Catwoman, it was Robin Bowillow, a.k.a Secret Super Spy #2. Of course, the only exposure she had had to the arch-villainess was through the sixties _Batman_ TV show, so she didn't really have any reasons to fear her. Yet.

Spock stopped pacing as soon as a cussing Doctor McCoy entered Sickbay, carrying an unconscious, green-jacketed cowboy in his arms. He was closely followed by a large man in a Stetson hat.

"Little Joe!" cried Heather, sounding genuinely panicked. He _was _her favorite Muse, after all. "What happened to him?"

"That -CENSORED- Panamint happened! She seemed to think it was a brilliant idea to have him fall through the ice in her latest 'masterpiece'!" McCoy answered hotly. As soon as he placed Little Joe Cartwright on the last unoccupied biobed, he put his hands on his hips and observed his Sickbay in disgust.

"Kinda crowded, isn't it?" Bianca observed meekly.

It was an unnecessary understatement. From left to right—Little Joe Cartwright, half-frozen from falling through the ice on Lake Tahoe while trying to rescue his dog; Adam Cartwright, half-frozen from trying to save his brother after he fell through the ice on Lake Tahoe while trying to rescue his dog; Dick Grayson, dislocated shoulder from trying (and failing) to rescue the seven castaways of Gilligan's Island; Pavel Chekov, overheating from doing two numbers in a row in the _Enterprise_'s production of "The Nutcracker Suite"; and Agent 006, broken paw from falling off the ottoman.

"This is getting ridiculous," Alexis grumbled. "I mean, it was okay when she was just doing Dick-torture—"

"_Excuse me?"_ Dick protested.

"Yeah, leave him alone!" cried Robin, making it plain who her favorite Muse was. She crawled onto the biobed with Dick and sat protectively next to him, putting a hand on his uninjured shoulder. "Don't worry. They won't bug you as long as I'm here."

"Wanna bet, birdbrain?" Catwoman hissed. With a swift move, she had thwacked Robin off the biobed and was trying to spray Dick in the face with Cat-sleeping gas.

"Knock it off!"

The cry came from Scotty, who had just entered the Sickbay and was now keeping Catwoman's arms pinned behind her back.

"Dontcha think we have enough trouble on our hands without you tryin' to harm the lad any more?" Scotty said. "TAP is doin' too mucha that as is!"

"'TAP'?" repeated the big man—Hoss—in confusion.

"That's short for 'The Almighty Panamint'," explained Dani in her usual, matter-of-fact manner.

"Well… I guess you're right. If we don't stop TAP, she might start writing…" There was a horrified gasp from the villainess. "…_Catwoman-torture stories!_"

Catwoman stopped her struggles before admitting, "I'd rather go straight than have that happen!"

"That would be nice…" Dick thought aloud as he watched Dani and Alexis help Robin to her feet.

"Alright then."

Scotty let go of her.

"I haf a qvestion," Chekov piped up for the first time since Catwoman had entered Sickbay. "Vhy are ve all here? I mean, the Cartwrights are from mid-19th Century Newada, Dick and Catvoman are from mid-20th Century Gotham City, the Secret Super Spies are from early 21st-Century New Britain and the rest of us are from mid-23rd Century _Enterprise_. How are ve all together like this?"

"…What did he say?" asked Heather blankly. She doesn't watch sci-fi, by the vay. I mean way. Vhatewer.

"He asked how people from four different centuries could all be in one Sickbay at the same time," McCoy translated.

"I said that," Chekov complained.

"Don't whine!" Catwoman snapped, making the young ensign cringe.

Ignoring them, McCoy continued, "And the answer is 'because TAP has a very warped sense of humor', so we either do everything she says or end up dead."

"Good answer," said Chekov, swallowing noisily.

"I believe," Spock began. "That this situation has long since gotten out of our control and that a formal meeting is in order to help rectify this matter as quickly as possible."

"Now look here, you… you… whatever ya are, look here," Hoss said. He poked his large index finger in Spock's face. "Iffen yer s'posed to be as smart as ma little brother says, then figgur this'un out fer me—how're we s'posed to hold a 'formal meetin'' iffen half o' TAP's Muses are laid up in bed!"

"Not half—a third," Adam corrected from his biobed. "There are fifteen Muses, and five of us are laid up, so that makes a third."

"Half, third, he has a point," Alexis agreed. "We need a meeting for sure. But we'll need to hold it here in Sickbay so that Joe, Adam, Dick, Pasha and 006 can hear."

"Pasha?" Heather questioned.

"Dude, you are seriously behind on your television watching. Don't you watch _Star Trek_?"

"Vatch it? I'm ON it!"

"Not you!"

"I don't like sci-fi," Heather informed the Secret Super Spy-Leader.

"I'll explain later," Dick assured the girl. Then, looking a bit panicked, he added, "Well, I'll explain it if TAP _let's me have_ a later. I could die from a heart attack, or even drown in the Pacific Ocean right now, for all we know!"

"That is why it is imperative to hold a meeting immediately," Spock pressed. Well, he pressed as hard as can be expected of a Vulcan, anyway.

"Sure."

"Hey," Catwoman said. "We should have a name."

"…Name?..." Scotty questioned. "I'm afraid I dinna unnerstand whatcha mean by that, lassie."

"A _name!_" she repeated impatiently. At Scotty's blank look, she muttered something that sounded like 'engineering ignoramus' before explaining. Apparently, she had been thinking of a title for their new group. Although she suggested 'The Get-Revenge-on-The-Ever-Annoying-Panamint Club', this was met with objection by the peace-lovers of the group. Which consisted of Spock, Spock and the ever-popular Spock. The Vulcan suggested the 'Muse Protection Association' instead, and the name stuck.

"I still like my name better," grumbled Catwoman, but she didn't push the issue as much as she would have if TAP wasn't as big a threat as she was. After all, if she pushed too far, then TAP might decide to toss her off a cliff like she did to Batgirl.

"So… vhat do ve do?" asked Chekov.

"I think we should brainstorm ideas about how we can free ourselves from TAP, and then choose the most _logical_ plan," Adam suggested. Why McCoy stuck a hypo in his arm and sent him off to dream-land right then, he'd never know.

"I believe Mr. Cartwright made a valid point before Dr. McCoy chose to temporarily relieve the patient of his discomfort," said Spock.

"Discomfort?" McCoy queried. "Oh, no. He wasn't in any discomfort. Although he would have been if he kept going the way he was."

"You'd jist better hope ma brother recovers, Mister, or yer gonna git it," Hoss threatened as he put a protective hand on Adam's shoulder.

"Relax, he'll be fine," McCoy assured him. "Which is more than he'd be if he was left up to _your_ medicine."

Little Joe emitted a low groan and tried to sit up on the biobed. He didn't get very far before Hoss and McCoy were upon him, keeping him down.

"So let's just start tossing out suggestions," Heather said.

"I must inform you, Miss Connelly, that it is physically impossible to literally 'toss' a suggestion. A suggestion is merely—"

"Put a sock in it, you overgrown garden gnome, so we can get on with it. I've got crimes to commit!" Catwoman snapped.

"What is 'it'? And why should I wish to 'put a sock in it'? That seems quite illogical," Spock questioned.

"Alright then, in simple layman's terms… SHUT UP! The Ruby Cat's Eye isn't going to wait forever, you know!"

Although Spock raised his eyebrow considerably, he didn't comment.

"So THAT'S what you're after!" Dick exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew it! Spock, call security and have her arrested!"

"You try it and I'll make you regret the day you were hatched!" Catwoman hissed.

"Either way, I'm afraid that your request is impossible," said Spock. "After all, none of The Almighty Panamint's Muses are security guards, and since this story only contains her Muses, it would be impossible to call them."

"Then have the Secret Super Spies arrest her!" Dick insisted. Now that he had her, he wasn't about to let her slip through his fingers. Again.

"Sorry, dude, no can do," Alexis apologized with a shrug. "For some strange reason, TAP has decided that one of her Muses is Catwoman, and to have a complete meeting of the MPA, we need her, too."

"And besides that," Robin continued. "If we tried it, TAP would most like throw us into some crocodile pit, like King Tut did to you in Episode Fifty—"

"Shut up!" Catwoman interrupted. "And let's get on with the meeting."

Robin looked as if she might do something rash before The Almighty Panamint decided to intervene and throw her into the Superman-verse. Now there's nothing wrong with that, except if you happen to be Robin Bowillow. Who doesn't like Superman. At all.

"ROBIN!" the remaining Secret Super Spies cried, gazing at some random viewscreen that TAP had decided to write into Sickbay one day. Even 006 let out a little whine to show he, too, was concerned. Either that, or he didn't like the look in Catwoman's eye as she stared at the little dog. But the former is much more likely where 006 is concerned.

"Holy time warps!" Dick and Robin yelled simultaneously.

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Robin shrieked, as though in agony. Actually, to her, being stuck indefinitely in the Superman-verse _is_ agony.

"Don't worry!" Dick called. "Clark's a nice guy!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Robin continued to rant. "I WANT **_OUT_**!"

Well, maybe she was better off in Metropolis because, next thing the Muses knew, the scene had changed and Robin was back in the crocodile pit.

"AAAUUUUGGGHH!" she screamed, trying desperately to climb the walls and get out. But, since The Almighty Panamint is as powerful as she is, the walls were now perfectly slick—unable to be climbed up.

"We've got ta do somethin'!" Scotty said.

"Like what?" Little Joe asked uncertainly.

But they needn't have worried because, a second later, Robin had been plopped back into Sickbay. She was a little wet and a lot shocked, but in perfect health otherwise, as was proved by McCoy's modified saltshaker-type-thing.

"I suggest," said Spock, completely unperturbed. "That we think of something quickly, before another incident occurs and someone is seriously injured."

"I'll drink ta that!" Hoss concurred.

"Okay."

Alexis pulled out a little white-board and a marker from somewhere and, marker poised at the ready, began to scribble down everyone's suggestions.

Thirty minutes later, the board looked something like this—

_1-Kill her… painlessly…! _

_2-Throw her out an airlock_

_3-Let the tribbles decide_

_4-Confront her with charges of violating the Prime Directive_

_5-Open rebellion!_

_6-Steal her computer. Then she'll be powerless. _

_7-Bite her ankles_

_8-Give her an extra physical this year_

_9-Give CHEKOV an extra physical this year!_

_10-Steal her "Bonanza" tapes _

_11-Steal ALL of her tapes!_

_12-Hang her at sunrise, after one of those not-so-fair trials_

_13-Take over her computer and trap her indefinitely in the Barney-verse _

_14-Take her cheese_

_15-Ninety-nine years to life in Gotham Penitentiary!_

"Well we can forget Number 14 right away," Dick said promptly.

"Why?" Heather objected (it WAS her idea, after all!)

"Too dangerous. Anybody who messes with TAP's cheese is automatically dead meat, which wouldn't help us at all," he explained.

"And we can forget about 8 and 9…" Alexis continued, crossing them out. Chekov sighed in relief while McCoy just threw another glare in his direction.

"I still don't understand Number 4," Heather spoke up. "What's the Prime Directive, and what has The Almighty Panamint done to violate it?"

"Like I said, dude—you are WAY behind in your television watching," Alexis grumbled. "Okay, look. In _Star Trek_-verse, there's this law called the Prime Directive, which says that, when traveling to 'strange new worlds', the crew is not allowed to give the natives any information that might alter their evolution. So if they were to come into our 'verse, they couldn't tell us about starships or give us a phaser or anything."

"But what has TAP done to violate the Prime Directive?" Bianca questioned.

"Suggestions 10 and 11 should make it quite plain," Spock jumped in. "They were suggested by Joseph Francis and Eric—"

"WHAT!" Joe and Hoss yelped as Adam snickered softly in the background.

"Jo…?" began Robin, before dissolving into fits of hysterical laughter. She seemed completely ignorant to the increasing redness of Hoss' face, the way Little Joe was slapping his fist into his palm and Heather's very miffed expression.

Through this, all Spock did was raise his eyebrow once again.

"I fail to understand what everyone finds so humorous," said the Vulcan.

"Never mind—just go on," Alexis replied, grinning broadly.

"Very well. Numbers 10 and 11, which were suggested by…" He looked as if he might repeat himself, but thought better of it and rephrased his statement: "… suggested by two humans from the mid 19th-Century. They couldn't—and shouldn't—have any idea what "tapes" are, or that their lives were later chronicled in the western _Bonanza_."

"I get it!" Dick cried. "So, according to the rules of your 'verse, TAP has actually broken the law by giving the Cartwrights information that could quite probably change the future, right?"

"That is correct."

"And," Scotty continued. "Since she spends so much o' her time here on the _Enterprise_, she should be just as susceptible ta our laws as any one o' us!"

"I still say we should just kill her," Catwoman muttered.

Big mistake on her part. You see, TAP doesn't like the idea of getting killed, so she promptly decided to place Catwoman in a dog kennel somewhere in Colorado. At the sight of his worst enemy running pell-mell away from a pack of Chihuahuas, Dick couldn't help but fall off the biobed laughing. Even when he banged his bad shoulder on the floor, he still couldn't stop giggling.

"Ho… Holy just desserts!" he managed to choke out.

And Little Joe, who had had his own bad experiences with the villainess, had started clinging to Hoss' vest to keep from falling out of _his_ biobed as well. And when Hoss stepped away from his brother, Joe just fell to the floor and began rolling around in hysterics.

"Oh, brother," muttered McCoy. Taking out his trusty hypo, he gave each boy a sedative to help them calm down a bit before The Almighty Panamint decided to zap Catwoman back into Sickbay.

Once Dick and Joe had managed to climb back onto the biobeds, the MPA waited for something interesting to happen.

After the kennel incident, TAP thought it would be a good idea to slap Catwoman into a forest of dogwood trees. Well, at that first sneeze, Dick and Joe fell right out of their biobeds all over again, much to the chagrin of Dr. McCoy. He couldn't administer another sedative so soon, otherwise he might overdose both young men and that was the last thing they needed on top of TAP's torture.

"As much as I'd like to vait around and see an ending to this, shouldn't ve really get ower to TAP's qvarters and confront her vith the charges before she does something else to von of us?" Chekov said.

No sooner had he said this than Adam disappeared. The viewscreen split into two halves to show that the eldest Cartwright brother had fallen into Lake Tahoe once again.

"Okay, that does it!" Heather said resolutely. "Let's get a move-on with this plan!"

* * *

**Dick:We should have tossed you out an airlock when we had the chance.**

**Me: You wouldn't be here now if you had!**

**Dick: I know!**

**Me: Look, people, just review, cuz my Muses confront TAP in the next chappie! Boy, this oughtta be good...**

**Dick: Was not!**

**Me: Was too!**

**Dick: Was not!**

**Me: Was too!**

**Dick: Was not...!**

**(goes on indefinitely)**


	2. Confrontation

**_The Wrath of My Muses_**

**DISCLAIMER: Waaah, not mine. (sniff, choke, sob)... do you get the impression that I'm terribly bored of doing disclaimers and that I have no ideas for any new ones? If you did, then you're RIGHT. XP**

* * *

"Alright, everyone," Alexis said. She marched up and down in front of the other fourteen Muses in the Muse Protection Association. Five of them were sitting on the biobeds, still recovering from various injuries inflicted upon them by The Almighty Panamint. The others were standing next to the biobeds, waiting for Alexis Weller—a.k.a. Secret Super Spy #1—to give them instructions. 

Now don't go thinking that everybody was pleased about taking orders from a 13-year-old girl. Each had their own reasons for thinking that he or she would be the better leader. But Alexis won out, since she had gotten the most votes. From her Secret Super Spies, of course.

"It pays to have connections," Catwoman had mumbled unceremoniously, just before TAP had dumped _her_ in Lake Tahoe along with Adam Cartwright.

"I think we should split up into groups," Alexis was saying. "Us Secret Super Spies will act as reinforcements for Catwoman, Hoss, Spock and Scotty. If everything goes OK, they'll be doing the actual confronting."

"You would," grumbled Catwoman.

"Quit your whining or else I'll blackmail TAP into making Batman a Muse, too, and then you'll get arrested and thrown in the brig!" Robin threatened.

"Vhat can _ve _do?" asked Chekov.

"I've already figured that out," Alexis told him. "You and the other injured Muses will stay here with McCoy and keep an eye on the different corridors and such, just in case TAP decides to write in the Cavalry to throw us ALL in the brig."

"You are aware that the odds against her being able to do that are enormous aren't you?" said Adam. Just before McCoy stuck yet another hypo in his arm.

"The last thing we need is another Mr. Spock aboard," the doctor grumbled.

"…Anyway," Alexis tried to continue. "We'll use the _Enterprise_'s communicators to keep in touch. And Chekov, if you DARE say communicators were invented in Russia, you won't live long enough to see the end of this mission because I'll tear you to pieces!"

"I didn't say a vord!" the Ensign protested

"Now that we all know what to do…" Alexis started again.

"Let's go already!" Bianca cried impatiently.

"_I'm_ the leader, and _I'll _say when to go!" Alexis scolded. "So let's go already!"

And so, the nine Muses marched determinedly out of Sickbay and headed down to The Almighty Panamint's somewhat obscure quarters aboard the _Enterprise._ In fact, they were so obscure that you probably would have missed them if you hadn't been looking for them: they were located directly under Chekov's navigation board-type-thing. You might even call it a 'secret lair' instead of 'quarters'.

Pushing aside the control panel, Hoss led the way down the cobwebby stairs. Luckily, there were no spiders in the webs, since The Almighty Panamint hates spiders. She just added the webs because they looked spooky and cool. But, as Alexis Weller would say, that's beside the point.

At any rate (another Alexis quote!), it was fairly bright down there for a secret lair. The a la "Saturday Night Fever" disco ball was the same shade of green as Little Joe's jacket. All of the walls were the same shade of green as Dick's elf-shoes. All the carpeting was the same shade of green as the leprechauns from _Bonanza_ (do you get the impression that TAP likes green?) From the Patented Panamint Intercom System, "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel, was playing. Extremely loudly, I might add. So loudly, in fact, that Spock had to cover his ears to proceed.

And there, sitting in the middle of the floor with her mom's laptop and a bag of Kraft® shredded mozzarella, was The Almighty Panamint herself.

The Muses stood there, stunned (well, Spock was too busy covering his ears to be stunned, but…). In fact, everyone was too surprised to comment on the fact that, if the current song was true, then TAP would be alive for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time indeed.

"_That's her?"_ Robin whispered incredulously. She wasn't at all like anyone had expected. Who would have thought that a short, frizzy-haired, Billy Joel-loving teenager could cause her Muses such agony?

"…I guess so…" Hoss said with a shrug. He had created many frightening mental images of TAP beforehand, but this was much more frightening than anything he had imagined!

"So let's get her!" suggested Catwoman, eagerly brandishing her cat 'o nine tails.

"Shhhh!" Alexis hissed. She stuck her arm out in front of the eager crowd and forced them to listen. TAP had begun talking to herself—a bad habit that just showed some more of her eccentricities:

"Now let's see," Panamint muttered. She stuck her hand in the bag of cheese, pulled out a handful and started munching on it like a normal person would do with popcorn. "Pasha got overheated from dancing in a ballet, so… what should happen to him after hitting Kirk with a soap-covered sponge?…"

Dani, whose favorite Muse just happened to be Chekov, began to snarl quietly until Agent 006 told her to shush. And Chekov, who was watching everything on the viewscreen from Sickbay, was not pleased with what he heard, either. So he turned away and checked another random viewscreen to make sure that the Cavalry wasn't storming down the halls or anything.

No-one noticed as the song changed to "Just the Way You Are". Yes, that is important to this story.

TAP continued her extremely one-sided conversation: "…And if Little Joe tried to operate a car, then it's inevitable that he'll crash into a few things, right! Bwahahahaha…!"

According to a report from McCoy, the youngest Cartwright had vanished from Sickbay and was now trying to operate a squad car in Connecticut.

The Almighty Panamint just continued to snicker evilly as she watched poor Joe zooming around the streets and running over garbage can lids.

Finally, TAP realized that "Only the Good Die Young" was no longer playing.

"This one's boring," she grumbled. However, just as she was about to put in one of her Motown CDs, she froze. None of the Muses liked the look in her eyes as she began typing furiously once more.

Even without the aide of the communicator, the Muses could hear someone upstairs in Sickbay, screaming his head off.

"Well, that canna be good, can it?" Scotty said under his breath. But Robin, who had never been known for her quietness, panicked instantly.

"DICK!" she exclaimed.

The Almighty Panamint, who is by no means deaf (although her mom would probably beg to differ), heard the cry and whipped around. She spotted nine of her Muses and grinned at them. Everyone had to admit that she had a very nice smile. You might even say it was a 4,000-dollar smile. And why might you say that? Because that's how much the braces cost.

"Ah, my Muses!" TAP welcomed them. "Come in. Sit down. Have some cheese. There's plenty."

"What have you done with Dick?" Robin demanded.

"Oh, nothing much," TAP replied with a shrug. "I just turned his hair purple, is all."

"ALL!" Hoss bellowed. "Why you no-good, thievin' little worm!"

"Don't worry—it'll wash out," Panamint told them. "And I'd watch what you call me, or else I know a couple brothers of yours who are going to end up at the bottom of the lake again. Maybe I'll even put them back on Gilligan's Island…"

"That's part of the reason we came to talk to you," Heather announced. "Spock, tell her!"

"I believe, Miss Panamint, that—"

"MISS!" shrieked TAP indignantly. See, TAP is a very informal tomboy and doesn't like being called 'Miss'. At all. And so, to get revenge, she quickly began typing. Next thing the Muses knew, "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees was blaring over the Patented Panamint Intercom System. And Spock was _dancing _to it. And _singing_.

While the Muses stood (or sat) in stunned silence, TAP began laughing hysterically, apparently finding it funny. And, as soon as the song ended, she changed it to "Last Train to Clarksville", also by the Monkees, and had Spock hoof it to that as well.

"Why don't you grow up?" Catwoman spat. Before anyone could stop the villainess, she had roped TAP's bag of cheese with the cat 'o nine tails and dragged it away from her grasp. Panamint instantly stopped typing, putting Spock back into a somewhat normal state. Everyone watching from Sickbay gasped aloud. And Dick was too shocked to say anything, let alone one of his (in)famous 'Holy' expressions.

"You stole my cheese."

It was a simple statement, but the tone spoke volumes. And even Catwoman—yes, Catwoman herself—was beginning to regret her impetuous action.

"_You stole my cheese._"

There were nervous mutterings and little gasps from the Muse Protection Association. They knew that, if they were going to do as their name implied, they'd better do it fast before Catwoman ended up tied to a St. Bernard in Siberia.

"We are here to apprehend you on charges of violating the Prime Directive," Spock said, stepping forward.

TAP, temporarily forgetting her cheese crisis, turned to stare at Spock.

"You are here to WHAT?" TAP demanded incredulously.

"You heard the man… er… Vulcan… well, you heard him!" Heather exclaimed, trying to sound official but failing miserably.

"That's right," Scotty affirmed, just as TAP pulled out another bag of cheese and began eating it compulsively. The cheese, that is, not the bag. "Ye've been charged with tellin' the Cartwrights about 'television' an' '_Bonanza'_. Therefore, ye broke the Prime Directive, which is enough ta send ye ta the brig."

The Almighty Panamint just started typing. Scotty vanished and, as far as the Muses back in Sickbay could see, reappeared in the movie "_Titanic"_ just as the ship hit the iceberg. And let's not even mention what he looked like in those early 20th-Century clothes…

"CONFISCATE THAT COMPUTER!" Alexis ordered. The Muses made a mad dash for the laptop, but all collapsed in a heap as TAP yanked it away in the nick of time.

"Don't you touch it!" she scolded. "It's not mine, and if you break my mom's new laptop, you're gonna be grounded for life!"

"Well, _you're _the one who's using it for no good!" Catwoman cried.

"You should talk," grumbled Robin.

Ignoring her, Catwoman proceeded to rant, "Bring Scotty back now or I'll—"

TAP typed something up as rapidly as she could, which is almost 100 words per minute. Just like the engineer, Catwoman disappeared and was soon spotted on a sandy beach with a cold, orangish drink in her hand and lots of palm trees in the background. Everyone was startled, except for Spock and TAP.

"Now that you're in Margaritaville, maybe you can find McCoy's lost shaker of salt!" Panamint giggled, thinking she was quite funny, even though nobody else did.

"That don't look nothin' like no Margarita," Hoss objected.

"Well, I don't drink alcohol, so I made it up," The Almighty Panamint shrugged. "I've got an imagination, you know."

"So we noticed," Bianca muttered.

"You watch it, or else…"

Nobody—not even TAP—noticed as Spock leaned over a bit and whispered something in Alexis' ear. She nodded, thinking it was a good plan. Even though she would probably end up in Sickbay permanently if she dared to try it. Which she would.

And Spock, who was not in the least nervous (his plan was very well laid out, after all), hastily thought of a topic of discussion that would interest The Almighty Panamint long enough.

"Have you viewed any new installments of the television program _Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In_ as of late?"

"Oh, YES!" TAP cried excitedly. "I'm SO glad you asked!"

And she launched into a very long, very animated, very detailed explanation of Episode #something of _Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In_, not even thinking it suspicious that SPOCK had popped the question.

Meanwhile, TAP had ceased typing on her mom's laptop, offering Alexis the perfect opportunity to swipe it and dash back up to Sickbay with the silvery notebook under her arm.

A loud cheer rose from the MPA as they ran upstairs after Alexis. Except for Hoss, who grabbed The Almighty Panamint around the waist and carried her to the brig.

"PUT ME DOWN AND GIVE ME BACK MY MOM'S LAPTOP OR SHE'LL KILL YOU!" Panamint bellowed, kicking furiously. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU…!"

But Alexis was too busy typing everybody back into perfect health to pay attention to TAP's threats. And everyone else wasn't paying attention anyway, except Spock, but he wasn't worried about the now defenseless Panamint at all.

* * *

**Me: Reviews are always appreciated.**

**Dick: Gee, that's subtle.**

**Me: Just do the replies. I have to go set my tape to record _Jeopardy!_**

**Dick: Uh-huh. Sure.**

**Me: You know I do! Now reply or else I'll have Catwoman attack!**

**Dick: That won't take much prompting...**

**_Reviewer Replies_**

**Jay-Trusedale-**Go _Bonanza? _Thank you, but... go _BONANZA_? Hm... I don't think Catwoman or Alexis or Chekov liked being left. Little Joe, however, was absolutely thrilled to pieces... ;)

**The Tribble Master-**We're glad you like the story, but PLEASE watch where you point that chainsaw! You're scaring 006! But yes, bashing up Picard _does_ sound like a good idea...

**Me: It's cloudy, it's gonna rain, then it's gonna snow, and I'm bored to death. No, not literally.**

**Dick: Rats. (snaps figures)**

**Me: Eh, why don't you... why don't you... goshdangit, I ran outta insults!**

**Dick: Ha, ha!**

**Me: Just you wait till next time, Boy Hostage!**

**(Major war ensues. Chekov and Little Joe look on in confusion.)**

**Little Joe: Say, do they do that often?**

**Chekov: Yes. Don't vorry about it. That's normal for them.**


	3. Court Martial

**_The Wrath of My Muses_**

**_Chapter Three_**

**DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine, except for the broken CDs and thetribble (yes, I promised, he IS being introduced in this chapter). So the tribble is mine, although the_ idea_ of tribbles is not, this particular tribble _is _mine... like that made sense. XP Sorry, I've been sick and spent all of Sunday with my sister (who is now sick instead of me!) watching "Brave Little Toaster" cartoons, so now my brain is mush. LOL.**

**WARNING: There _is_ a teensy-weensy little bit of 'friendly' (cough, ahem) Picard-bashing in this chapter. Sorry if it offends anyone. Now that I think of it, I probably should have put a warning on that other fic when I dumped Batgirl off a cliff, too... (laughs evilly at memory). ANYWAY. Now for the story. :)**

* * *

"Boy do I feel good!" Little Joe exclaimed, swinging his arms back and forth. "I haven't felt this wonderful since before The Almighty Panamint began writing fan-fiction stories!" 

"You can say _that_ again," Dick agreed. Now that his shoulder was good again, he was practicing his old circus routines on the ceiling (don't ask me how, ask Alexis, she's in charge of the laptop, remember? Maybe she had a chandelier installed.) Doing trapeze stunts on the ceiling was something that Alfred probably would have murdered him for back at home. But since he wasn't at home, he could practice his stunts in peace. Besides that, if he did them on the floor, he'd risk crushing Agent 006, who was happily running back and forth across the Sickbay floor with some random calico tribble—spayed and nicknamed Denny for soon-to-be-obvious reasons—that Alexis had typed up for him.

Spayed or not, however, Chekov, Scotty and McCoy had decided to stay as far away from the tribble as they could, remembering what happened the LAST time tribbles had come aboard the ship. And Catwoman was also avoiding the little dog and his pal. For obvious reasons. Actually, she would have loved to do something about 006, but since he was Alexis' dog, and since Alexis was in charge of the laptop, she figured it would be safer just to avoid him for now.

And Dani was giving Heather _Star Trek_ lessons.

"Spell quadrotriticale," Dani was saying.

"SPELL it! I can't even SAY it!"

"Well, try. It's qua-dro-trit-i-ca-le."

"Say WHAT!"

"Quadrotriticale. Can't you hear? It's from "The Trouble with Tribbles"."

"Know what _I_ think?" Catwoman asked with an evil snicker.

Before anyone could respond, Dick jumped in and warned them not to answer. He knew Catwoman better than anyone, and he didn't want to see where this was going.

"Don't worry," Adam assured the Boy Wonder in a rather sarcastic voice. "I'll protect you from Cat-lady here."

Grabbing the front of his shirt, Catwoman pulled Adam close to her face and hissed through clenched teeth, "_The name is Catwoman, buster, and don't you forget it._"

Looking a tad more nervous than he had a moment ago, Adam gulped and nodded. Catwoman let go of him and repeated her question.

"Alright, what?" Bianca asked tiredly.

"_I _think they should have used a few of those tribbles to make a toupee for that King-of-Siam wannabe Picard!"

While most of the Secret Super Spies almost died laughing—much to Catwoman's delight—the others looked rather befuddled, especially the _Enterprise_ crew.

"Who's Picard?" Chekov queried.

Although Catwoman mumbled a few non-G-rated words under her breath, she didn't bother to answer the Ensign's question. _They'll figure it out soon enough_, she thought.

Just then, Spock entered Sickbay and took in his surroundings with a raised eyebrow.

"I believe, if it is quite convenient for you, that we should return to the brig immediately and hold a court martial so that we will be rid of The Almighty Panamint as quickly as possible," the Vulcan proposed, almost failing to keep the sardonic tone out of his voice.

"You know what?" Joe said. "That's a right smart idea. Let's get down there right now and convict her of those charges!"

"We've got to prove she's guilty first," Adam reminded him.

"What do we need to prove it for? We all know she's guilty, and you yourself suggested that we hang her at sunrise after a not-so-fair trial!" his brother protested.

"Can ve just get down there?" pleaded Chekov.

"Do you do anything except whine?" Catwoman rebuked.

"No," McCoy answered for him. Chekov, although he really wanted to, didn't say anything for fear of getting an extra physical that year.

The Muses found TAP still in her cell (thank goodness), sitting on the cot and looking rather unhappy. The frizzy hair looked as if it had been pulled at quite a bit, too. It was quite clear what was happening—TAP was suffering from cheese withdrawal.

"You'd better get her cheese bag," Bianca said to 006. "We want to convict her, not kill her."

"That makes one of us," Catwoman disagreed.

"Can we get on with it?" McCoy interrupted. Just because Alexis was now in charge of the laptop didn't mean that bad things couldn't happen. They had had foul experiences long before TAP was even born. Of course, they just seemed to have more of them after she discovered _Star Trek_ fan-fiction.

Scotty tried to deactivate the force field, but it wouldn't budge.

"Ah dinna unnerstand it," he shrugged as Spock came over to help. "It was workin' perfectly a few minutes ago."

"Just because I don't have my Mom's laptop anymore doesn't mean I'm completely stupid," The Almighty Panamint informed them.

"Vhy don't I like the sound of that?"

Reaching through the force field, TAP grabbed her cheese bag from Agent 006 and grinned. "I've rearranged the molecules in the force field so that I'm the only one who can come in and out—along with my cheese, of course—and I ain't goin' nowhere till yous give me back my Mom's laptop."

"What are you,nuts? No way!" Alexis exclaimed, backing up and keeping the computer as far away from the force field as possible.

Panamint shrugged. "Okay, suit yourselves."

She plunked herself down on the cot once more and began nibbling on a shred of cheese.

"I'll just make your lives miserable as long as I'm here."

"Oh, no, you won't…" Dani giggled in a sing-songy voice. "Alexis has the computer, remember?" Turning to her leader, Dani said, "Show her who's boss, _amiga!_"

And so, getting comfortable on a beanbag that she typed up for herself, Alexis began to write…

TAP's Billy Joel CD suddenly appeared in Agent 006's mouth. Panamint paled considerably and even stopped munching on her cheese as 006 tossed the CD over to the tribble, who promptly dropped it:

_CRASH!_

"My CD!" Panamint shrieked, even as Hoss and Little Joe began snickering at the look on their enemy's face. "That was a present from my uncle, and now it's _busted_!"

"That's nothin'," Alexis said casually. Returning to the laptop, she typed a little more, and pretty soon, Panamint's Motown and Beach Boys CDs were smashed to smithereens as well:

_SMASH!_

_CRACK!_

_WHAP!_

Sticking her now-trembling hand out through the force field, TAP picked up a handful of CD shards and let them fall through her fingers.

"My music," she moaned. "My wonderful music…"

"It's your fault," Chekov told her with a nod.

Meanwhile, Alexis was busy typing another CD into her dog's mouth. This one was of the Mamas and the Papas. Just before it could be broken, however, Bianca snatched it away from the little dog.

"They're my favorite band!" she cried (now you know why the tribble was named Denny. And if you don't, well… what can I say?)

"In that case," Alexis said. "I'll type you a radio."

"_Thank_ you!" Panamint sighed in relief.

The very first song Bianca listened to was "Creeque Alley". Then she listened to it again. And again. And again…

"How can you stand that song!" Heather exploded. "It doesn't even make any sense!"

"Yes it does! You just have to listen," Bianca shot back.

"Yeah, it's the band's history, you ding-dongs!" Panamint spat.

"They had a weird history," grumbled Catwoman.

"_THAT DOES IT!_" TAP and Bianca yelled simultaneously. "_THIS IS WAR!"_

Leaping through the force field, Panamint got to the villainess first and promptly tackled her to the ground, using her eleven years of Tae-KwonDo experience to her distinct advantage.

Next on the Cat-pile was Bianca. Then Dick, then Little Joe and Adam (all of whom had completely forgotten the fact that they should never hit a lady, courtesy of Alexis' typing), then Agent 006 and finally Denny the tribble.

Even as the war was waged, Alexis continued typing. Since her own dog was busy with Catwoman, she had Chekov and Scotty do the CD-destroying instead. Pretty soon, the Monkees and Barry Manilow were history. And let's not even mention what happened to Simon & Garfunkel (does the word 'airlock' mean anything to you?)

Hoss calmly headed over to the bunch and picked TAP out by her wild and frizzy hair.

"Now that we got 'er outta there, we kin hold court," the big man smiled as Panamint harrumphed unhappily.

"You tricked me," she grumped.

"No, it was just dumb luck," Dick replied innocently.

"Yeah," snickered Catwoman. "She's dumb and we got lucky!"

There was laughter all around (well, except from TAP and a certain 'unfeeling' Vulcan we all know) as the group headed up to the court-martial room. Well, technically speaking, they should have beamed over to the nearest Federation Starbase and held a court-martial there, but since Alexis had typed them up a court-martial room right there aboard the _Enterprise_, they didn't have to do that.

"We'll need a jury, a judge and a couple of lawyers, though," Adam told them.

"That's easy," said Alexis. "Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, Adam, Hoss, Little Joe, Dick, Bianca, Heather, Dani and Robin will be the jury. I will be the judge. Catwoman will be our lawyer and Agent 006 will be Panamint's."

"I've got a _dog_ for a _lawyer?_" TAP protested. "And you can't have Catwoman as your lawyer, and you can't be the jury, either—YOU'RE THE PROSECUTORS!"

"Alright then," said Scotty. "We'll make it fairer for ye—our lawyer will be Denny the tribble instead."

"We don't stand a chance with a two-inch-high fuzz ball as our lawyer!" Dick whispered. At a soft growl from Denny, he hastily added, "Er… no offense…"

"We'll do fine," Robin exclaimed breezily.

"Okay then."

Alexis, being very careful to take the laptop with her, climbed up to the judge's podium and sat down. Right after typing up a rug-style white wig, a black robe and a gavel, that is.

She gave the gavel a whack and cried, "Order in the court! Order in the court!"

"There _is_ order," Little Joe said, looking around with a puzzled expression on his face. "You're the only one making any noise, Judge!"

"Well… this court is now in session!" Alexis said. She hit the gavel on the desk again. "We are here today to—"

"We know what we're here for!" Catwoman interrupted. "So let's do it!"

"ORDER in the COURT!" Alexis yelled in reply, smashing her gavel once more. "Now. We are going to hear from the prosecuting attorney. Or whatever it's called. That would be Denny."

Denny rolled out in front of everyone and began squeaking. Sometimes it was loud, sometimes it was soft, but it always held a very angry tone. Which was directed mostly at The Almighty Panamint.

Five minutes later, long after everybody's eyes had glazed over, Denny stopped squeaking and rolled back to his desk.

"Thank you, Denny," said Alexis.

"You don't mean to say that you actually understood that!" said Adam.

"Of course I did—I translated it with the laptop."

"But that laptop doesn't have a translator!" TAP cried. "It doesn't even have Internet access, for crying out loud!"

"Does now."

Alexis thwacked the gavel again and called TAP's lawyer up to the front. Agent 006 trotted out in front of the crowd and began barking. Sometimes it was loud, sometimes it was soft, but it always held a very angry tone. Which was directed mostly at The Almighty Panamint.

Five minutes later, long after everybody's eyes had glazed over, 006 stopped barking and trotted back to his desk.

"Thank you, 006," said Alexis. "Now let's begin with our first witness. That would be Dick."

Dick, still not looking very confident in his lawyer's abilities, moved to take the stand.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" TAP yelled. "I OBJECT!"

"On vhat grounds?" Chekov asked.

"That's my line," grumbled Alexis.

"I object on two grounds!" Panamint ranted. "First—how can a member of the jury also be a witness? It's unconstitutional!—or… something…"

"She has a point for once," Dani agreed.

Typing quickly, Alexis produced twelve random redshirts and had them take their places as jurors instead. Unfortunately, before they could take their seats, three of them tripped over a few of those random exploding rocks and blew up. They were hastily replaced with three more redshirts.

"I still object!" Panamint cried.

"On what grounds?" Alexis jumped in before Chekov could open his mouth.

"I don't have my cheese."

"Och, for the love of…" Scotty started in a very aggravated tone, even as Spock raised an eyebrow, McCoy cussed and Chekov giggled.

"Just get me my bag of cheese and I'll be happy. I might even cease to object to anything in the near future," TAP said.

Alexis typed up TAP's cheese bag and tossed it to her. She opened the bag and chewed away quite contentedly and Dick was finally able to sit down.

Denny walked (or whatever) up to him and squeaked something in tribblish—which, as everyone knows, is the universal language of the tribbles.

"Ummm… could you repeat the question?"

Denny squeaked again.

"…One more time?"

Denny squeaked a third time and wiggled to show that this was getting irritating.

Finally, Dick shrugged in resignation. "Holy foreign languages… this isn't going to work, Judge."

Alexis, who had been snoozing for the past thirty seconds, awoke with a start and asked, "Why not?"

"Because I don't understand our lawyer."

"Neither do we!" some random redshirt agreed. "Either I quit or you replace that rusty pompom!"

Denny attacked, thus ridding the court room of yet another redshirt. A completely-calm Alexis just typed up another one and proceeded to plug the tribble into the computer.

"What are you doing!" Heather screeched. "That's animal cruelty!"

"Don't worry—I'm just hooking Denny up to the translator," Alexis explained placidly. She attached something to Dick as well before adding; "Now we'll be able to understand each other. Okay, Denny, go ahead and repeat the question. Again."

This time, Denny's squeaks came out as English words: "I SAID, what's your name!"

Dick stared.

"That was _it?" _he said incredulously. "All this time, you were just trying to figure out my _name?_"

"English is not exactly a specialty of mine. Now what is it?"

"Umm… Dick."

"I OBJECT!" The Almighty Panamint declared.

"On what grounds?" groaned Alexis.

"On the grounds that everybody should have to use their full names in a court martial."

"Sure, whatever. Okay, Dick, your full name."

"If I may speak?" Spock interrupted.

"Why not?" Alexis moaned with a 'why me?' look on her face.

"When the judge relents to the objector's demands, it is the unwritten law to say 'sustained', not 'sure, whatever'."

"Well, excuse me, Mr. Perry Mason!" barked Alexis. Spock decided it would be in his best interest not to point out that his name wasn't Perry Mason and that Mason was actually a fictional character portrayed by Raymond Burr on 1960's American television.

"Okay, well… sustained, then. Full names, everybody."

Dick shrugged and amended his answer to 'Richard John Grayson'.

"Alright, then, Dick," Denny started. Alexis screamed in exasperation and clunked her head down on the desk as TAP snickered and Denny continued, "Why do you wish to see The Almighty Panamint placed behind bars?"

"Because she's a villain, _like Catwoman_," Dick enunciated those last two words very carefully. "And villains shouldn't be allowed to run free in our society. Or, your society, or ANY society!"

"I OBJECT!" yelled Panamint. "I object because the witness is already referring to the defendant—or whatever—as a villain when she hasn't been proven guilty yet."

"Sustained."

Denny nodded (or whatever) just as a redshirt stubbed his toe and promptly shriveled up into a pile of jelly. Alexis, who was trying not to laugh, typed up another redshirt, even as 006 was lapping hungrily at the jelly. Then she told Denny to get on with the interrogation. "Or whatever the stinkin' thing is called," as she put it.

"Okay," Denny said amiably. "Have you ever been injured or attacked by Panamint in any way, shape or form?"

"YES!"

"Explain. And make sure that these things wouldn't have happened if TAP hadn't been writing at the time."

"She almost gave me a heart attack back in A Conversation with Catwoman—"

"Apoplexy," Spock corrected.

"Who gave YOU permission to speak!" Catwoman spat. Apparently, she was still quite sour about how that specific conversation had gone. It had almost cost her Batman's affections. She would have to get revenge on Dick for that little incident later…

"Yeah, well," Dick muttered, rolling his eyes. "She almost killed me, and that's the point."

"I OBJECT!" Panamint exclaimed.

"Not again!" Alexis whimpered. "On what grounds _this_ time?"

"If Dick doesn't know what happened to him, then how do we know he's not lying or making it up?"

"Because we do. So cork it."

"That ain't fair!" wailed TAP.

"Too bad. Get on with it Denny."

Denny nodded (or whatever) once again and told Dick to get on with the list of tortures he'd endured at the hands of The Almighty Panamint. That included the apoplexy, the dislocated shoulder, the unintentional trip to Alaska, the pop-ups, the Whining, Tinsel and Bugle Incidents and, most recently, the purple hair.

"Your witness," squeaked Denny.

Agent 006 barked something, which Denny translated as 'No questions'.

"**No questions!**" TAP roared. "**You have to ask questions! **How else will I win this case!"

"I don't want you to win," was the blunt response.

Panamint made a strange choking noise before the youngest Cartwright was called to the stand. He did so with the air of someone who had done this kind of thing many, many times before.

Well, by the time the final witness—Catwoman—took the stand, things were not looking good at all. Every one of the Muses in the Muse Protection Association had accused The Almighty Panamint of at least one thing, and Agent 006 had refused to ask any questions the whole time. So, all in all, things were looking pretty bleak.

And not just for Panamint. Over the course of the court martial, seven more redshirts had 'bitten the big one'—four from Denny-attacks, two from passing tidal waves and one who got a bit too close to the fire extinguisher.

"So your name is Catwoman, right?"

"Yeah. What's it to you, you little fuzz ball?"

"He's our lawyer—he means a lot," Adam reminded her gently. And I say 'gently' because Adam still remembered what had happened the LAST time he got Catwoman mad.

The villainess (Catwoman, not Panamint) shrugged.

"Whatever."

"So has The Almighty Panamint done anything to you?" squeaked Denny, still looking rather miffed.

"She had me get stuck on an island with that overgrown bedbug Penguin, and in her first _Batman _story, she almost made me lose Batman's love!"

"Objection!" Dick cried.

With a loud, angst-ridden, long-suffering sigh, Alexis asked on what grounds.

"How does _she_ know Batman loves her? He never told you. And how could Panamint do that? I don't think even _she's_ capable of that. She doesn't even LIKE romance, remember?"

"That does it!" Catwoman yelled. Standing up, trembling with barely-controlled rage, she continued, "Do you know how much I've had to put up with from you? You're constantly getting in the way whenever Batman and I come close to kissing, and if it weren't for you, he would have married me by now!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Would not!"

"ORDER in the COURT!" Alexis screamed, banging her gavel several times in a row. Her wig almost flew off, she was banging so hard. In fact, when the wig flopped down over her eyes, Catwoman took the opportunity to snatch the laptop away from her and dash madly down the hall (don't ask how she can run in those shoes, because I don't know, either).

"I OBJECT!" Panamint cried. "The prosecutor shouldn't steal something from the judge, especially in the middle of a case!"

"Objection sustained!" Alexis agreed. Cupping her hands around her mouth, she bellowed, "Catwoman, you come back here with that computer or we'll forget about The Almighty Panamint and throw _you_ in the brig _instead_!"

"Not on your life!" Catwoman shouted from a distance. "I've got the power now, and you'll do what I say or else!"

"Or else what?" Adam and Scotty chorused.

As a response, Catwoman sat herself down in a corridor reeeeaaaaaallllllllllyyyyy far away from the court-martial room and, muttering something that sounded like "I've been taking orders from those bozos long enough", began typing…

* * *

**Me: Yay, long chappie! I didn't know where to end it, so it just kept going and going...**

**Dick: You can't fool me.**

**Me: Huh?**

**Dick: You LIKED watching those "Brave Little Toaster" cartoons. In fact, YOU started it by suggesting that you and your sister watch the Mars one.**

**Me: ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS DEFOREST KELLEY'S LAST ACTING ROLE!**

**McCoy: Whose last acting role?**

**Me: Uh... Dick... do the replies while I try to figure out how to escape this disaster without doing anything drastic...**

**_Reviewer Replies_**

**The Tribble Master-**Glad you liked. Panamint thought your suggestion was very funny, but since this story was finished over a month ago, I'm afraid she won't be able to use it... blow torch?...

**Dick: Have you figured anything out yet?**

**Me: Yes. I clonked him over the head.**

**Dick: What!**

**Me: If we're lucky, he'll get amnesia and forget about what he overheard.**

**Dick: Holy stupidity...**


	4. Disaster

**_The Wrath of My Muses_**

**_Chapter Four_**

**DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own them, except for Denny and the Secret Super Spies. SO DON'T TAKE'EM! And I probably should apologize for taking so long, eh? Please don't hurt me... Dick has already spanked me enough for the day... ecch... XP**

* * *

First, Dick vanished, much to everyone's (especially Robin's) unhappiness, although no-one was exactly surprised. A viewscreen appeared in the court-martial room, and the other Muses watched in horror as they realized that Catwoman had placed her greatest adversary back on the ledge in King Tut's crocodile pit. 

"You've got 6.5 minutes before the ledge disappears and you're eaten alive by those reptiles. And this time, Batman isn't going to save you!" the villainess cackled.

"He'll never marry you!" Little Joe howled at the top of his lungs, which is quite loud indeed. "Especially not if you kill Dick!"

"Oh, yes he will!" Catwoman shot back. "I've got the laptop, remember? I can make him do whatever I want!"

Then she got to typing again. This time, it was Agent 006 who disappeared.

"My dog!" Alexis exclaimed, sounding close to tears. And that's not an easy thing to do with Alexis Weller. "Bring him back, Catwoman! Where'd you put him!"

The viewscreen split into two halves to show Agent 006 in the tiger cage at the Bronx Zoo. They could hear Catwoman laughing evilly at the sight of little dog vs. great big hungry tigers, and the sound of more typing floated down the corridor to their ears.

Denny went missing next, and—for the first time ever—the viewscreen split into three halves (I know something's wrong with that sentence, but that's what Catwoman typed because she was so anxious to get rid of Denny that she wasn't really paying attention to her grammar.)

At any rate, that third half showed the tribble in the age of the dinosaurs, being chased by a very-hungry looking T-Rex. Denny managed to take shelter in a tree (didn't know tribbles could climb, did you?), but everyone knew that that wouldn't last very long against a hungry carnivore.

But Catwoman wasn't done quite yet. Chekov was typed out next, and the viewscreen showed that he was, once again, a starry Gelert in Neopia.

"I never liked him anyway," Catwoman explained. "Too much of a whiner. And NOW," she added with a malicious grin. "It's time for The Almighty Panamint to go."

"See what you've done!" TAP scolded her Muses, outraged. "If you had just let me type what I wanted and hadn't interfered, we could all be having nice, normal lives right about now! Not to mention the fact that all of my CDs would still be in one piece, all you left was Frank Sinatra… ah-hem… but NO! YOU had to go a wish for something else! 'The grass is always greener', right!"

"You're the one who was torturing us!" McCoy protested.

"Yeah—what're you talkin' about?" Hoss added.

"At least I tortured you because I like you!" Panamint protested. "She's just doin' it because she hates you and wants to get revenge!"

TAP barely had time to finish this sentence before Catwoman typed her out of the court-martial room, too.

The Muse Protection Association—with the exception of Spock and, of course, Catwoman, Dick, 006, Denny and Chekov—exchanged glances, not even bothering to check where their writer had ended up. For once in her life, Panamint had a good point.

"So… what are going to do?" Heather asked, somewhat sounding repentant.

"Get TAP's laptop back," Alexis replied simply.

"Are you crazy!" cried Robin. "If we give her back that computer, we'll be back to torture of all kinds and—"

"Its better'n lettin' Catwoman keep it," shrugged Hoss.

"Well, just how do you suggest getting it back?" McCoy asked. "Catwoman has the computer, and it's a sure bet she won't make things easy for us."

"We'd better do something fast before Dick becomes croc chow," Robin said, glancing at the viewscreen to see how much of the board was left. Not much, that was for sure.

"Forget about Dick!" Scotty cried. "What—"

"FORGET DICK GRAYSON? NEVER!" screeched Robin indignantly. And if The Almighty Panamint had been present, she surely would have agreed.

"Yeah, forget the Boy Hostage—what about 006 and Denny?" Alexis exclaimed.

"And Chekov? He's the best navigator we have!"

"The heck with them!"

"Oh, yeah!"

Robin looked as if she was going to punch out the lot of them before Hoss stepped in the middle of the feuding Muses.

"What do you three think yer doin', fightin' like that? We gotta fight Catwoman now, not each other!" the big man rebuked.

"I've got an idea!" Robin cried, ignoring Hoss' scolding like a pro (which she was). "We can capture Catwoman, trap her in a Jeffries Tube and put on a tape of the "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"! Now THAT is TORTURE for you!"

"Tapes are rather outdated," Spock reminded the group. "I'm afraid there are none aboard the _Enterprise_."

"Well, I think Robin has a good point for once," Dani agreed. She almost laughed out loud when she imagined the look on Spock's face when he heard the song. "Since Alexis installed internet access, if we can get the laptop back from Catwoman, I can pull up a music video! That should do the trick!"

"But how do we get the laptop?" Little Joe questioned.

Unfortunately, just as he finished this sentence, he vanished. The viewscreen split once again to show a rather frightened-looking Joe standing on top of Eagle's Nest. And for you non-_Bonanza_-fans out there, Eagle's Nest is a big rock that was used in the episode when we learn that Joe is afraid of heights.

"Umm… would you guys stop arguing and just get me down?" Joe asked shakily, covering his eyes with his arms.

"Don' you worry, little brother—we'll stop that Panamint and git ourselves back home in no time. Jist you wait!" Hoss hastened to reassure the young man.

Hoss instantly disappeared and was soon on top of Eagle's Nest with his still-cowering brother. Catwoman sniggered in amusement as Hoss' facial expressions changed to show his rapidly growing nervousness.

"Boy, am I glad you're here with me, Hoss," Joe said. He sounded relieved. "I know that _you're _not afraid of anything, and now we can get down!… Um, Hoss? Hoss…?"

But the gentle giant had some extremely disappointing news for his brother. He _was_ afraid of something. Unfortunately, that something happened to be 'heights'.

"We've got ta do somethin'!" Scotty exclaimed.

"Like what?" asked Adam, sounding unusually calm for someone whose only younger brothers were trapped on top of a giant cliff at the mercy of Gotham's Princess of Plunder.

The group stood there, looking blank.

Spock seemed to have an idea.

"I wonder what would happen if we were to try replicating a similar device and use that as a weapon against Catwoman. Perhaps, if we were to create a more powerful computer, we would be able to overpower her laptop and return things to the way they were before she began typing," he suggested.

"_¡Estupendo!_" Dani agreed in her native Spanish. "Lead on, O Great One!"

Spock raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as he and the remaining Muses hurried down the corridor toward engineering. Why engineering, you ask? I don't know—but it seems like a good place to replicate a computer, don't you think?

Well, since engineering is quite a long way from the court martial room, Catwoman had time to type two more Muses out of the picture. Alexis ended up in history class on Exam Day, while Robin was dropped back into the Superman-verse.

_Now there are only seven of us left, _thought Heather. _We'd better move it before **I** end up in front of a firing squad in 19th-Century Mexico or something!_

Well, I don't know how they did it, but they somehow managed to make it all the way to engineering without losing any more Muses to a whim of Catwoman's.

It only took a total of five minutes to replicate a laptop. It looked exactly the one that belonged to Panamint's mother, except there were no DELL® things on it and it was a slightly duller shade of gray compared with the silvery metallic color of its predecessor.

"That looks—!" began Bianca, right before she disappeared. For what seemed like the millionth time that day, the viewscreen split into smaller pieces and in the most recently added piece, the remaining members of the Muse Protection Association watched as Bianca was tied to a giant barbecue on a rooftop. A few rather oddly-dressed random henchmen brought over a giant magnifying glass and aimed it directly at Bianca's head.

"I remember that episode!" yelped Heather. "Robin wouldn't stop yapping about it—Bianca has one minute before she's either choked to death or gets one of the worst cases of sunburn in history!"

Actually, those were the EXACT words Catwoman used in that episode. And Catwoman, who doesn't like being imitated, promptly typed Heather onto the set of a sci-fi TV show. And Heather who, as you know, likes sci-fi about as much as Robin likes Superman, was not pleased. At all.

"_¡Ay Caramba!_" Dani groaned. She was now the only one left to represent the Secret Super Spies in the MPA, just like Adam was the only one to represent _Bonanza._ And as for _Batman_… well, it was nice having them in the club.

There were now just five Muses left to save the day.

"You'd better do the typing, Mr. Spock," said Adam.

"Are you insane!" McCoy exclaimed. "Spock has about as much of an imagination as you do—Catwoman would never get what she deserves if we leave it up to him!"

Well, Catwoman heard exactly what the doctor said and decided to relocate him to the _Batman _episode with Tinkerbell, the 'deadly Batman-eating tiger'. But since there were no Batmen on the premises, Tinkerbell looked as if she'd settle for 23rd-Century doctor and still be quite satisfied.

"Hurry!" Scotty urged.

"Yes!" Dani concurred. "If we make it through this without saving Dick, Robin would make our lives miserable for eternity and beyond!"

There was a terrified shriek from Alexis' small section of the viewscreen.

"I can't answer these questions—I hate history!" she bellowed. The other students in the room didn't even seem to notice. "I'm going to fail, I just know it!"

Just as Alexis said this, there was an odd noise accompanied by a growl from Dick's viewscreen. There was approximately one inch left of ledge, and that was going too quickly from the Boy Wonder's taste.

And from Denny's part, the tree had snapped, and the tribble was once again rolling for his life.

"TYPE!" the Muses yelled in Spock's ears. The Vulcan, still as imperturbable as ever, somehow managed to figure out how to type within about three seconds. With lightning-quick precision and accuracy, he was able to override the orders given from Catwoman's laptop and to lock her in the brig.

There was plenty of cheering from engineering, and Dani even went so far as to throw her arms around Spock and hug him tightly. She was so worried that she'd never see the Secret Super Spies or Chekov again, and he had saved the day!

Once things had calmed down a tiny bit, Spock hastily brought all of the Muses plus The Almighty Panamint back from their near-experiences with the great beyond (if you know what I mean).

"And now!" TAP exclaimed. "To get back at Catwoman!"

She snatched the new laptop away from Spock and typed as fast as she could. Even all the way in engineering, the Muses knew that Catwoman was now in a Jeffries Tube, with a music video of 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins' playing at maximum levels.

The villainess hissed and tried to plug her ears, but it didn't really help.

"Don't worry—you are still one of my Muses!" Panamint said to her as a way of consolation.

But her efforts were in vain. Catwoman couldn't have heard anything if she had wanted to.

"I gotta admit," Hoss said. "I sure am glad ta have TAP back instead o' Catwoman."

There was a general murmur of agreement, even as Spock's eyebrows shot upwards as he finally had a chance to really analyze Catwoman's torture-song.

"Thanks!" exclaimed Panamint happily. "And I'm glad to see you, too."

"So you can give us back our computer now," Scotty said, holding out his hands to take the laptop whenever TAP was ready to give it back. "You've got yours back, so you dinna need ours."

"That's what you think."

Everyone froze.

"What do you mean by that?" Dick asked. He sounded as if he didn't really want to know the answer but was just asking out of a general curiosity.

"Well, you see," TAP began. "If I take back my mom's old laptop, and give you back this one, then you'll be able to override my orders from now on, which means that you'd totally kill any torture-story ideas I've got. And when I take Catwoman out of that Jeffries Tube to use her in a story, you'll override that as well."

"So in other words you won't give us back our computer," Little Joe concluded.

"Exactly," Panamint agreed. "And I'll just take that…"

She promptly typed her mother's laptop onto the dining room table back at her house. Right before typing all of her music CDs back together.

"We can confiscate our laptop, though," Dani spoke up. "She's still been charged with violating the Prime Directive, remember?"

"Oh, yeah!" Alexis grinned. "The Almighty Panamint, I hereby convict you of charges of violating the Prime Directi—"

But Alexis was too late. Panamint had already rewritten the Prime Directive to exclude anybody from the early 21st-Century who loved cheese, Billy Joel CDs and the color green.

"_Cheater!"_ yelled the Secret Super Spies (plus Dick, Chekov, McCoy, Little Joe and Denny, but nobody understood what Denny had said and just ignored him).

"Maybe so, but I've just got too many great torture-stories to let you stand in the way!" Panamint declared. "I've got two for Chekov, and… okay, Joe, I'm not really writing _Bonanza_ stories anymore, so you're off the hook… one planned for the Secret Super Spies… but have I got something for Dick! A total of…"

Panamint appeared to be doing some quick calculations in her head.

"…Fifty-four Dick-torture stories!" was the final amount.

"Fifty—!"

Dick's face had paled considerably. _Fifty-four!_

"Holy publication…" he managed to say. Hoss subtly shifted behind him, just in case he needed to catch something (or someone.)

"You won't get away with this!" Bianca warned.

"Watch me!" Panamint dared. "Bwahahahaha…!"

And with that, the frizzy-haired teen promptly vanished, taking her music CDs and her cheese with her.

"She's gone!" Robin cried unnecessarily.

"But I think I know where she's gone—follow me!"

And with that, the thirteen still-baffled Muses followed Adam Cartwright down the corridors of the _Enterprise_. He seemed to know the place surprisingly well for someone who was from the mid-1800s.

They arrived at Chekov's navigation post. Hoss, with a little help from Spock and Scotty, moved the consol aside to reveal…

…Nothing.

Panamint's secret lair was gone.

"Holy disappearing acts!" Robin exclaimed.

"That's my line!" Dick objected.

"Will you two put a sock in it!" shrieked Alexis. "Once again, we've got ourselves a real problem—The Almighty Panamint is out there somewhere, with a more powerful laptop, with fifty-seven new ideas for torture stories! And who knows how many other ideas she could cook up in the near future?"

"Spock, are you sure we can't replicate an even MORE powerful computer?" McCoy asked. He almost sounded like he was begging, which is quite unusual for him.

"I regret to inform you, Doctor, that that was the most powerful laptop that our computers are able to manufacture."

Everybody turned to Scotty.

"_What?_" he asked.

"It's up to you now," said Adam. "If you can fix your computers so that they are able to create a laptop even more powerful than Panamint's we might have a chance."

The engineer shrugged and said, "I'll try."

Unfortunately, before Scotty could even get started, every member of the Muse Protection Association—including Catwoman—had been typed off the _Enterprise_ and into Neopia Central. And from somewhere out in cyberspace, Panamint was cackling evilly at thoughts of her next story…

**_The End_**

* * *

**Me: Ehehe... boy was that FUN!**

**Dick: Speak for yourself!**

**Me: I am. Believe me, I am. And I'd watch what you say to me... remember all those ideas I have for torture stories.**

**Dick: So? You'd write them no matter what I did!**

**Me: True. Now do the replies.**

**Dick: (growling)**

**_Reviewer Replies_**

**The Tribble Master-**Yes, Kelley was in 'The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars'. About 40 minutes into the movie, he shows up as Viking I (or something like that). And believe me, you'll recognize him. :) And Denny says that YES, Fluffy #1 should DEFINITELY get pink highlights. They'd look real good. ;)

**Trekkie in a TruckerHat-**Thanks for reviewing and for thinking this is entertaining! Poor redshirts, though...

**Otal the Fox-**Well, Otal, since we failed, I guess I won't be writing you any letters any time soon.(unhappy sigh) And I had planned out exactly what to say, too... :(

**galleena-**Thank you. Us poor Muses definitely need all the encouragement we can get with an author like TAP. And Panamint has long since switched to semi-sweet chocolate chips, so... yes, I know, she's really strange...

**smileycool13-**Haha... I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd figure out TAP's secret identity, LOL. :) Glad you liked her insane little story.

**Dick: Oh Taaaaaaaappp...**

**Me: (nervously) Why don't I like the sound of that?**

**Dick: (to Denny) ATTACK!**

**Me: AAAAHHHHH!**

**(Is currently being chased by a ferocious Denny who is waving a giant baseball bat in the air and bearing all 2700 of his sharp little tribble teeth)**

**Dick: Hehe...**


End file.
